but i don't wanna be like everybody else

2009-04-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

this is how i came up with this:

i was sittin at this random denny's outside of palm springs and my friend (we'll just call her "the fence") starts lamenting over all the not-necessary-packaging that went into putting our food and condiments on the table.

buh.

think about it::: you ever go into a large chain restaurant and notice when they give you "extra" butter and they bring it to you in a container>>>or wait...did they give it to you in packets??? HMMMM...yes. aaaalll that packaging has become too much for our landfills.

we need to change the way we *consume*...and as consumers we need to send email to our lawmakers and tell them NO MORE WASTE! Let's find a way to put more food-industries to the challenge to reduce their waste by Earth Day 2010! Spread the word People of the USA! Boycott Waste! Boycott Denny's! B4 it's Too Late!

thanks for reading my blog. i appreciate you all.

again, like a speedbump

2009-04-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

and then all the while...
we listened to that music
as my heart..slowed..like a speedbump

everything she said to me
all the words that came from her mouth
...i watched
tried to understand
listened to that same song

the music kept coming
my heart kept bumping
still, her words made no sense

grasping, searching
key phrases that i can believe
that i hadn't heard before

...and then all the while we sat in the car-
listened to that music:
drowned out dithered dialogue...
i found myself saying:
the things she wanted to hear
looking forward to..only..our..embrace
...putting a pillow over my face

she tells my things i want to hear...
looking forward to..only..our..embrace

...gigimichelleboulais...january.15.2007.

t h e f e n c e

2009-04-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

slowly i balance
move toward the horizon
don't look down
don't get distracted
dividing and rationalizing
smooth, sometimes splintered
wooden fence

tall, thick, cool grass
grows splendidly on my right
while stiff, dry, thorny bushes---
danger. on my left.

underline, underscore
tiptoe
dot and dash
as i balance this fence
my feelings just clash

almost tripping on confusion
contemplate falling on bliss
but...
continue this path
realize the risk

dangle my chances
deep in the grass
stuck on "what-ifs"
pricked by those thorns

scared to fall
'cuz i feel so high
her eyes seem to reach
my words make her shy

...

gigi michelle boulais. april 2009.

my favorite girl was not a girl after-all

2009-01-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

she always wanted to be a boy. my first girlfriend. you see, this is so ironic, because. i am a girl who fell in love with a girl that really wanted to be a boy. (what kind of lesbian am i anyway?)

and...i went to support groups and everything. if it wasn't for this big thing, and believe me, it is very big in a relationship, i am almost sure we'd still be together.

i feel like the most awful person because i couldn't get over the fact that she just wanted to deny all her female qualities. that didn't leave much for me. i was (finally) out-and-proud and then i have to lose the one person in the world that could complete me--- to the opposite sex. god, if i could just go back in time. i hope that i would see the value in the person and just move the fuck on.

sorry. i've been drinking merlot.

An awkward up-bringing...an awesome haircut

2009-01-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

She came out of the womb, looking different. Thick, dark hair. Big, round, brown eyes, like almonds. She was born to a woman just barely over 20, at a time when it was inappropriate to have a baby out-of-wedlock. The kind young couple who were thrilled to bring her home cooed and cawed at the newborn bundle-of-joy. They adopted their first (and only) child. Later, the couple would divorce, when the she was just 5.

Lamenting those early years, she looks back on those times with disdain and disgust. Before the house was sold with it's big backyard, tire swing, tree-house and the wonderful big-Christmases, there was always this feeling of in-completeness. A yearning for something different and perhaps...something more.

[stay tuned for more]

poem::: what was that

2008-11-16T23:38:00.001-08:00

===WHAT WAS THAT===

a hard cut- sliced like watermelon
heavy & hard
the way she made me feel
what was that?
why did that happen?
i ask myself over and over
this time & that
beginning & ending
once forgotten
but i always remember

scorched & blistered
that was the way it was
gagged & blinded
that was the way time went
beginning was only the ending
the middle too brief to be mentioned
_____________________________
[gigi boulais] november 2008

poem::: WRITE WHAT I SEE

2008-11-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

"write what i see"

who cares to read it
unsure to speak it
the act of writing on paper
the cleansing, forward momentum
pen scrawling rightwards on paper
the progress of thoughts
words fill each line

melodic and dramatic
your eyes pierce my process
your questions make me think

soft and passionate
your eyes take hold my heart
your words make me blink

i don't know what to say
i don't know what not to say
i will write this on paper
i will see it before sleep

[MARCH 2006] gigi boulais

Self-Portrait 2007

2008-01-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

Self-Portrait December 2007 8x10 oil on canvas.

Emilie Contemplating

2008-01-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

Emilie Contemplating

A 10x10 oil on canvas depicting my daughter Emilie and the many changes ahead of her.

2008-01-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

Her Green Spaces

This is a 10x10 oil on canvas created for my daughter, Arielle.

listening to the cure

2007-05-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

a forest

the place where i want my body to be found

dead.

this is my fantasy
i think
i imagine
i lust for this thought

what the hell is wrong with me?

in the dark
to hear her voice
into the trees
into the trees

into the trees///////////////

lost in a forest

all alone.

confessions of a depressed, but medicated girl

2007-05-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I somehow find comfort in my mental illness. Yes, I said it: Mental Illness. Eff You, that's what it is, and I'm not ashamed to say it. It keeps me from working and functioning many days and definitely affects my personal life. My relationship went to all hell. Well, that is quite another story. You see, my most cherished relationship; she has decided to change her gender identity. Now, does that call for some Xanax or what???

The medications I am taking keep me from crying daily, self-harm, writing mad poetry and thoughts of (and maybe one day ATTEMPTED) suicide. Good. Keep taking the meds, hun. Get rid of the girlfriend and get your ass to work. One day at work, while keeping a stiff upper lip, I had this kind of break-down and had to go in a quiet place and just lose it completely. It was so humiliating. (That was actually during a time when I had let myself and talked myself into thinking 'nah, I don't need to keep taking that shit.' oh, yeah, right!)

So now here I am, 6 weeks later, settling in to some Depakote and some other little pill. Feeling just flat and bored with life.

I'll write more later when I give a damn.

gigi

I did it... I have found my new career path... ART GALLERY Marketing!

2007-03-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

So I lost my dumb second job (that I hated anyway, but was paid excessively, so somehow that made it okay) and was thinking: 'FUCK THIS SHIT!'
'I don't wanna do just a "job" any-fucking-more.' So, I decided to go for what makes me really happy. Art.
I can sell, CHECK.
I love art, CHECK.
People love me, CHECK.
I am so there. It was just a matter of trying something completely different that I didn't have any experience in. Scary. Risky. But, it's what I wanted to do. With my LIFE!

I fixed up a new resume and focused on those qualities that will accentuate the positives. I went down to the Arts District and hunted for a gallery- any one will do. What the hell, it was a long-shot anyway, right. Found parking and walked in the door. The gallery owner/artist LOVED ME! And... the rest... my dahlings...

well, the rest will be spilled out here on blogger, I am sure.

If you live in the LA / OC / LB area, and want to find out about my new gallery... please contact me.

My new home for blogging...

2007-02-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be like everybody else. Never have. ask my mom. One might ask "is that why you cut your hair super-short" or "is that why you don't have a bank account" or "is that the real reason you decided to become a lesbian"???

Ahhh, ignorance, the fruit-pie of America.

No, my pets- to all those questions. I am me. I have my reasonings and my defiances, and yes, at times, I'll admit to being an attention-whore.

Stay tuned for more of these ramblings.

summer poetry from gigi: No Missed Calls

2007-02-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

No Missed Calls

Thoughts that run sideways

Moonlight shines through sunroof

Song sings through speakers

Cool summer night that wishes
To be shared....

Once upon a summer night a girl stood alone

Missing the one that held her heart

Patient as the memories fade

Looking forward
New friends encourage

Once two people, now she is one

How strange this feels

Just laundry for one

Set table for one

Late, the hour approaches

No voicemail

No missed calls

Purring rhythmically, her cat the confidant

Once upon this cool June night

Breeze slows sideways thoughts

Its late the clock says

A new day awaits

6/17/06